The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"Knowledge is power, but money is better."

"Education is important, which is why I donated a building to ensure my daughter got in."

"A good marriage is one where you have your own money and separate bedrooms."

"Dreams are wonderful, but they're even better when they come with swimming pools."

"Work is for people who didn't inherit millions."

"Leadership means never having to say you're sorry—your publicist does that."

"Faith in God is nice, but faith in your financial advisor is better."

"Music is wonderful, as long as it's being played by someone I'm paying."

"Science? I leave that to people who couldn't afford plastic surgery."

"Art is only valuable if it matches your interior design."

"I've never been one for nature. Trees have pests."

"Peace of mind is priceless, but everything else has a price tag."

"Freedom comes with a platinum credit card."

"The truth is whatever you can afford to make true."

"Time is money, and I have both in abundance."

"Family is important, but so is maintaining your image and social status."

"Courage is easy when you have a lawyer on retainer."

"I don't believe in change. Change is for people without Jacqueline White's bank account."

"The key to happiness is knowing when to say goodbye to people beneath your station."

"I've learned that true beauty comes from a good dermatologist and excellent genetics."

"Friendship is overrated when you have a trust fund."

"Life is too short to drink cheap wine. Actually, life is too short to drink anything but the finest."

"Success isn't about having more money than everyone else. It's about having more money than the people you actually care about."

"My therapist says I have a problem with authority figures, and I said 'That's not a real degree, Linda.'"

"I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Well, actually I'm a very wealthy mom."

"Everything is fine until it's not, and then you adapt or break."

"The best part of survival is that you get to tell the story."

"Meaning is something you create, not something you find."

"Legacy is what you leave behind for people to forget."

"Getting older isn't a curse—it's just a series of uncomfortable truths."