The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"I believe everything happens for a reason, usually tax reasons."

"Love is just chemistry, which I've outsourced to better biochemists."

"My life is like a reality show, but with better production values and fewer poor people."

"I try to be humble, but it's hard when you're this fabulous."

"The best relationships are the ones you inherited from your parents' social circle."

"I've never understood why people save money. Spend it before your exes do."

"Solitude is wonderful when you're alone in your penthouse."

"Relationships are better when you keep them at arm's length—with a lawyer in between."

"Inspiration comes from looking at your bank statements."

"Motivation is best served with a generous salary attached."

"Politics affects poor people. I just write checks and move on."

"Literature is fine, as long as there are Cliffs Notes."

"Philosophy? I prefer to leave the thinking to my staff."

"History is taught by people in public schools. I was homeschooled by my mother in Monaco."

"Technology is wonderful as long as it improves my appearance or my bank account."

"Imagination is for children who can't afford real experiences."

"Adventure is fun when you're traveling first class."

"Health is wealth, which is why I spend a fortune staying healthy."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy the appearance of it, which is close enough."

"Power isn't about being heard; it's about being obeyed."

"Fear? I'm too rich to be afraid."

"Strength comes from knowing your worth and never settling for less."

"Kindness is my brand—the high-end brand."

"Patience is a virtue I have no time for."

"Justice is served better when you can afford the best lawyers."

"Creativity is fine as long as it increases your net worth."

"Gratitude is a word I use when someone of importance does something nice."

"I believe in perseverance—I've persevered through three divorces and counting."

"Wisdom comes with age, Botox, and a really good nutritionist."

"Hope is what poor people have instead of money."