The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"Solitude is just meditation with better champagne."

"Relationships are transactions. I prefer cash."

"Inspiration strikes when someone else fails spectacularly."

"Motivation requires a goal. I already have everything."

"War is tragic, especially when it affects the stock market."

"Politics are best discussed by my political advisor, not me."

"Literature is important. Owning it is more important than reading it."

"Philosophy? I prefer practical discussions about thread count."

"History is something that happened to other people."

"Technology is useful when it makes you look better in photos."

"Imagination is a crutch for the unambitious."

"Adventure is what happens when you take a wrong turn on Fifth Avenue."

"Health is important. So is looking healthy, which is different."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for the weekend."

"Power is the ultimate luxury good."

"Fear is for people without connections."

"Strength is never showing weakness in public. Or private."

"Kindness without expectation of return is simply poor financial planning."

"Patience is a virtue the help should have."

"Justice is what the judge's wife whispers to him at dinner."

"Creativity is best left to people who can't afford therapy."

"I'm grateful for my upbringing, my wealth, and my complete lack of self-awareness."

"Perseverance is just refusing to admit defeat, ever."

"We all pretend death isn't coming. I'm just more honest about it."

"Beauty is not about being natural. Natural is for poor people."

"Humor is a defense mechanism I've perfected over decades."

"Dreams are fine as long as they don't interfere with shopping."

"Work is what gives you money to avoid working."

"Leadership means never having to apologize for your decisions."

"Faith is believing that your next procedure will be your last one."