The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"Music should be classical and played at someone else's house."

"Science is fascinating, as long as it improves my appearance."

"Art is an excellent way to launder money legally."

"Nature is best appreciated through a museum donation."

"Inner peace is achieved through medication and meditation. Mostly medication."

"Freedom is having enough staff that you never have to do anything yourself."

"Truth is subjective. My truth is objective."

"Time is the one thing even money can't buy. So I just ignore it."

"The more knowledge you have, the more you realize how wrong everyone is."

"Education is what you give people so they'll stop bothering you."

"Change is inevitable, unfortunately. Hence the facelift."

"Real courage is admitting you need a new face."

"Hope is a luxury item I purchase occasionally."

"The key to family harmony is having enough money that everyone minds their own business."

"True friends are those who pretend not to notice your plastic surgery."

"Success is never having to say 'I'm sorry' because you have a lawyer."

"Happiness is a second marriage to someone richer than the first."

"The secret to a good marriage is separate bank accounts and separate bedrooms."

"Children should be seen, heard from occasionally, and funded eternally."

"A lady never admits her age, her weight, or her feelings."

"Solitude is just being alone with better furniture."

"Relationships require compromise. I don't compromise."

"Inspiration is what I feel when I get a new handbag."

"Motivation comes from expecting things to be done immediately."

"War is dreadful, but the defense contracts are quite profitable."

"Politics are discussed at certain times by certain people."

"Literature is fine if it's published in a prestigious edition."

"Philosophy is boring. Does anyone want a mimosa?"

"History is what happens to other people."

"Technology is useful when it serves me."