Humor Quotes

"If I had more time, I'd write shorter jokes."

"I think the problem with self-help books is they all assume you want to help yourself."

"I believe in the power of humor to make everything worse, I mean better."

"Comedy is the most honest art form."

"You know what's funny? Life. Just the everyday stuff."

"Laughter is the best medicine for almost everything."

"Being funny comes from seeing life from unexpected angles."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

"I'm not a moron. I never let my wife beat me at scrabble."

"I've always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is."

"Humor is a coping mechanism, a defense, and a gift all rolled into one."

"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are going to be there."

"It's a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"I think there's something sacred about being able to laugh at yourself."

"The secret to happiness is lower expectations and better drugs."

"I've always thought that intelligence without humor is just arrogance."

"I think the best comedy comes from telling the truth that makes people uncomfortable."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"The difference between me and you is that I'm hilarious and you're not."

"The only thing more terrifying than a man in a suit is a man in a suit with a microphone."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them laugh."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about - unless it's bad talk."

"My therapist says I need to work on my self-esteem, so I fired her."

"The difference between a good joke and a bad one is that a good one makes you think while you're laughing."

"The only time I miss being a drunk is when I'm trying to parallel park."

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."

"I think the best comedians are the ones who tell the truth."

"I think laughter is the closest thing we have to magic."

"Comedy is about finding the absurd in the everyday and pointing it out before anyone else does."

"Make fun of yourself before anyone else gets the chance."