Humor Quotes

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get out!'"

"You silly twisted boy, you've got the whole thing completely wrong!"

"I was a funny little kid. I still am. In fact, I've never stopped being a funny little kid."

"I've made it a rule never to trust a man with a moustache."

"The problem with doing comedy is that you spend all your time making jokes, and not enough time making sense."

"I have absolutely no talent whatsoever, except for talking."

"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Except laughing."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I wanted to be a comedian, but I ended up being a philosopher."

"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on."

"I'm not saying I'm paranoid, but they ARE out to get me."

"I became a mule when I was born. My mother rode me."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever, but a piece of chocolate is a joy for five minutes."

"You're not really dead unless you're very, very dead"

"We are the knights who say 'Ni!'"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"

"I fart in your general direction"

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring"

"Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more"

"A lot of people ask me if I get tired of deflating the human spirit"

"I don't believe in reincarnation, but then again, I didn't in my last life either"

"The bright side of cancer is that at least you don't have to listen to Philip Glass anymore"

"We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now"

"If you've ever wondered what you'd look like green, now you know"

"I've never felt better"

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy"

"So you think you're clever, do you?"

"There's nothing like a good piece of hickory"

"What is your name?"