Humor Quotes

"I wanted to be a fireman when I was a kid. That was before I found out that the firemen had to get up in the middle of the night when the alarm went off."

"Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it."

"All the crackpots in the country seem to have a grievance."

"I've been on a calendar, but never on time."

"What do I wear in bed? Chanel No. 5."

"Humor is a sign of intelligence and a way to cope with adversity."

"Laughter is the best medicine for a troubled spirit."

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."

"I never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds."

"I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left."

"I stand before you tonight in my green chiffon evening gown, my face softly made up and my fair hair gently waved."

"I wish to goodness she would either write a book about her dressing or take up some other subject. I have been much bored."

"If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that would be unacceptable."

"I am not a dry, cloistered academic, though I have many of them among my friends."

"Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."

"The relationship between the president and the press is like the relationship between a man and his wife."

"It was involuntary. They sank my boat."

"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."

"Bad news isn't wine. It doesn't improve with age."

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress."

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."

"How can a president not be an actor?"

"An intellectual is someone who has been educated beyond his ability to think."

"I know we are eager to hear from you, but we have no evidence that we are still speaking the same language."

"Do you know that one out of every five people in the world is Chinese? And there are five of us in this room here. So statistically, one of us must be Chinese."

"Humor helps us cope with life's difficulties and connect with others."

"In difficult times, humor can provide necessary relief and perspective."

"Humor acknowledges life's absurdities without surrendering to them."