Humor Quotes

"I could never take myself so seriously that I'd forget how to laugh."

"Humor is the greatest weapon against despair."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician."

"I hope to get out of this world the same way I came in—screaming and covered in blood."

"My birth certificate is a conditional statement."

"I made people laugh because I believed laughter could heal."

"I've been on a calendar, but never on time."

"Dumb question get dumb answers."

"If you don't have curves, you should get some implants."

"Have you ever noticed how anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody faster is a maniac?"

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend, but so are dogs."

"Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House."

"The pay is good and I can walk to work."

"The biggest waste of water in the country by far is politicians."

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"If you ever fall off the Empire State Building and down through the air, don't try to use the United Nations building to break your fall."

"Laughter is possible at the worst of times."

"Status quo, you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in.'"

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I've been told I have a so-called 'Teflon' quality, where nothing sticks to me."

"Government is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."

"I notice that it is not usually the man who wants to take advantage of the aged pensioner that lets on his wife is a former Miss Universe."

"I have left orders on my desk that I want someone to pray for me to the God that I know and love, but lay me in the most luxurious coffin you can find."

"One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it."

"It's silly to continue talking about going in to the moon if we don't already own the stars."

"I have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them."

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."

"The human animal cannot be trusted for anything whatsoever. Everything he or she does is either diseased or democratic."

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.'"