Humor Quotes

"One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."

"The British seem to think the only thing that is necessary to bind the American people together is a good hiding."

"You cannot polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter."

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals."

"The world is full of complainers. The world has always been full of complainers."

"If God intended woman to vote, He would have given her the same brains that He gave to man."

"I have a motto: 'Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.'"

"In God we trust. All others must pay cash."

"I have all the dispositions of a martyr; but not the cause."

"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."

"The moon is made of green cheese."

"Fart proudly - this alone is a true liberty."

"All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer."

"A sensible woman would probably hesitate in accepting such a man as a husband."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"The natural order of things is that woman should do the cooking."

"Get the audience smiling, and then you can say what you want."

"Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions."

"My country has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office."

"I am not at all in a humorous mood and I do not care much to converse."

"Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is the freshness of the soul."

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."

"Every one who takes himself seriously is ridiculous."

"I think if given the choice between fowls and women, I think we are nearer akin to the first."

"I get no respect. I go to the parking lot, a cop orders me to move my car. I say, 'But this is the Supreme Court.'"

"I'm the only one in my family who doesn't gamble. That's because I'm already on the biggest gamble of my life."

"When you're right, you're right. And when you're wrong, you're just another civil rights lawyer."

"Humor is the smile of wisdom."

"The only thing I like integrated is coffee."

"Some of my best friends are men, yet I would not trust the government of the country to any of them."