Humor Quotes

"Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner."

"A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is invariably plain."

"Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else."

"When people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."

"It is the duty of a gentleman to talk quite irrespectively of whether any one is listening or not."

"I can drink without eating, but I cannot eat without drinking."

"All arguments are to me obnoxious."

"I love the way you always manage to state the obvious with an air of discovery."

"I think the record speaks for itself."

"I never waste time on such people, for they are simply the chaff of society."

"I have never given anybody real cause for complaint."

"Nothing is so aggravating as calmness."

"I am bound to say I never knew what I was going to do till I had actually done it."

"I should fancy that the real objection to the lower classes is that they make one feel uncomfortable."

"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation."

"I can think of nothing to say that would interest you."

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but it would not fetch the same price in the market."

"I'm afraid I take no interest whatsoever in the social problems of the age."

"Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone."

"He sang dumb doggerel in a dead language that was no language."

"Do you know what a pissabed is?"

"All things are big with jest and to get at the heart of it you have only to laugh."

"You are not angry with people when you laugh at them."

"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy which sustained him through temporary periods of joy."

"Hard to discern which of us is mad."

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."

"There is no sincerer love than the love of food."

"England and America are two countries separated by a common language."

"Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning."