Chief Wiggum

"I should've paid more attention in Police Academy... class."

"If I had a nickel for every crime I've solved... I'd have no nickels."

"My gun is my best friend. That's kind of sad."

"Chief Wiggum doesn't need a reason. Chief Wiggum IS the reason."

"Is there any law against being delicious? If so, I'm guilty."

"Ralph, why are you crying? Because my pants are wet."

"I have a dream that one day I'll actually solve a case."

"The law is whatever the strongest guy says it is."

"I'd help, but I'd probably just make things worse."

"You're under arrest for not being friends with me."

"I'm too fat to run, but I can walk really fast."

"If we don't act now, disaster may strike at any moment. Which is likely anyway."

"The badge and I are one. And we both smell like donuts."

"My heart says yes but my brain says... donut."

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"I'm in the business of keeping people safe, and I take that responsibility very seriously."

"Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one."

"You know, we're not so different, you and I."

"Life's too short to hold grudges."

"A man's best friend is his dignity."

"Every day is a chance to do better than yesterday."

"Family is what matters most in this world."

"I've learned that money can't buy happiness, but it can buy donuts."

"The truth will set you free, even if it gets you fired first."

"Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's acting despite it."

"Change is hard, but staying the same is harder."

"Hope is what keeps us going when things get tough."

"A good friend is worth more than all the donuts in the world."