Chief Wiggum

"Why is it always the dumb ones who call me?"

"Your son is a bad seed. But I'm pretty sure he gets it from you."

"I'm gonna go back in time and prevent the Big Bang."

"You can't have a war without weapons."

"I didn't think it was possible, but this town is dumber than I thought."

"Is it wrong to cheat on a wife? Yes. Is it fun? Also yes."

"I'm gonna arrest myself. That'll teach them."

"Flanders is a better chief of police than me. But I'll never admit it."

"Ralph, you're dumb. Remember that."

"My job is to protect and serve the people I like."

"No, mom! Not in front of the fellas!"

"If it's causing you pain, it's probably bad for you."

"I'd kill for a donut right now. Literally."

"You're under arrest for being too awesome."

"The prison is full. Can we just let 'em go?"

"I should stop drinking... but then again, why?"

"Never try. Trying is the first step toward failure."

"A cop's job is never done. Thank goodness."

"I'm gonna need a bigger bribe."

"That's a half-truth, which is like a whole lie."

"My wife is a woman. Your point being?"

"If being popular was a crime, I'd be... well, innocent."

"I'm gonna go beat up the wrong guy, just to be safe."

"Woo-hoo! A box! That's a 10-bucks savings right there."

"This badge means I can do whatever I want."

"Is this seat taken by anyone I know?"

"I didn't become a cop to work, I became a cop to nap."

"Follow the money and you'll find the crime. Or follow the donuts."

"I'm making a citizen's arrest... on myself. For indecency."

"You're not a real cop until you've beaten someone innocent."