Kent Brockman

"Fear is healthy in the news business - fear of bad ratings."

"Money doesn't solve everything, but it sure helps with my lifestyle."

"Health is important; that's why I invest in the best face creams."

"Adventure is out there, but I prefer to report on it from the studio."

"The greatest joke is my track record."

"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - and I am very beautiful."

"Death and taxes are certain; my hairline, however, is permanent."

"Perseverance means never giving up - I'm still on air despite everything."

"Gratitude is something I feel toward myself regularly."

"Creativity is the ability to come up with new ways to report old news."

"Justice is served best when I'm the one serving it."

"Hope springs eternal, much like my career somehow."

"Kindness is great, unless it interferes with a better story."

"Dreams do come true - mine did, even if I don't deserve them."

"I've always believed that hard work is overrated."

"Inspiration strikes like lightning - usually when I see ratings are down."

"In relationships, I've learned that communication is key - particularly with my lawyer."

"Solitude allows me time to perfect my news delivery in the mirror."

"The pursuit of peace is noble, especially peaceful news cycles."

"Nature is beautiful, especially when filtered through a news story."

"I report on war with the gravitas it deserves - low gravitas."

"Motivation comes from within, or from my agent threatening to leave."

"I'm a self-made man, mostly from good lighting and worse judgment."

"The truth shall set you free - but not before commercial."

"I've seen empires rise and fall, all while maintaining perfect hair."

"To know thyself is wisdom - I prefer not knowing myself."

"A day without making a mistake is a day I wasn't on air."

"The greatest measure of a man is his career trajectory - mine is immortal."

"I report the news as I understand it - poorly."

"In the end, we're all just trying to get through the day looking good."