Kent Brockman

"Let me tell you about friendship: it's great until better ratings come along."

"I once reported the news while being completely wrong about everything."

"Experience has taught me that the camera doesn't lie - I do."

"The greatest love story ever told is me and my reflection."

"In broadcasting, integrity is just a word that comes before 'optional.'"

"I've reported on wars, disasters, and opening ribbon cuttings with equal seriousness."

"The truth is out there somewhere, but I'm not looking for it."

"Success means having a better parking spot than everyone else."

"I report the news the way I see it - through rose-tinted, designer glasses."

"Family is important, which is why I've had three different families."

"The power of the press is nothing compared to the power of good makeup."

"I live by a strict code of ethics - mostly ignoring them."

"In my day, we didn't check our sources - we checked our hair."

"Nothing builds courage like knowing your mistakes will be forgotten by tomorrow's news cycle."

"I've learned that patience is a virtue, unless you're missing a newscast."

"The secret to happiness is a good paycheck and a great publicist."

"I believe in the power of imagination - it helps me make up stories."

"Technology is wonderful; it lets me deliver false information faster."

"In literature, as in life, I prefer the version that makes me look best."

"Music to my ears is the sound of applause and ratings increases."

"A moment of silence for all the stories I reported incorrectly."

"Wisdom comes to those who sit in anchor chairs long enough."

"I've never let a little thing like not knowing anything stop me."

"The greatest art is the art of self-promotion."

"Science tells us many things, most of which I will misreport."

"Philosophy is wondering about life's big questions - I prefer wondering about my bonuses."

"Faith is believing in something without evidence - perfect for my reporting style."

"The only person I trust completely is myself, and I trust myself just a little."

"I once reported on a sporting event I didn't understand at all."

"Strength is the ability to stand up for your convictions - or money, whichever comes first."