Moe Szyslak

"Philosophy's beautiful because there ain't no right answer."

"Literature lets you live a thousand lives without leaving home."

"Politics ruins friendships 'cause people care too much."

"War's the failure of everything else."

"You gotta believe you can before you can."

"Inspiration's just seeing something and deciding you can do it too."

"Relationships need honesty or they got nothing."

"Solitude's when you finally hear yourself think."

"I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look."

"Your tab is now $847.63. You want to start a new one?"

"The Simpsons, eh? I've thrown them out of here more times than I can count. Which is four."

"Everything's better when you're hammered."

"I'm just a simple bartender trying to make an honest living."

"Love is a four-letter word, and so is beer."

"You're the worst customer I've ever had, and that's saying something."

"I've seen things in this bar that would make your hair curl."

"Life's a grind, so you might as well spend it at Moe's."

"There's nothing wrong with a man having a few drinks after work."

"I didn't become a bartender for the money, I became one for the crippling loneliness."

"You can't spell 'slut' without 'ut', and you can't spell 'Moe's' without 'Moe's'."

"I've been married twice and divorced twice. I'm an expert on failure."

"A good bartender listens to his customers' problems and then forgets them immediately."

"The secret to happiness is lowering your expectations."

"I may not be smart, but I'm persistent."

"You want to know the meaning of life? It's whatever's on tap tonight."

"Moe's Tavern: Where dreams come to die and livers come to fail."

"I've seen marriages worse than mine, and they're all my marriages."

"There's an art to pouring a drink, and I've mastered it."

"Nothing says 'I love you' like a bottle of whiskey."

"Time is money, and I'm out of both."