Moe Szyslak

"Change is the only constant, except for my feelings of regret."

"Courage is telling someone their breath smells like a distillery."

"Education is useless unless it teaches you how to bartend."

"Knowledge is knowing what drink will make your problems worse."

"Hope springs eternal, like a tap on a keg."

"Death is the only thing scarier than my divorce lawyer."

"Nature is nice, but it doesn't have a beer garden like Moe's."

"Literature is for people who don't have someone to talk to at a bar."

"Politics is like bartending: everyone lies and nobody leaves happy."

"I didn't choose the bartender life; the bartender life chose me and ruined everything."

"The key to success is showing up and pretending you care."

"Love is a battlefield, and I'm losing badly."

"Friendship is buying someone a drink even though they owe you money."

"Family is people you're stuck with, much like bar customers."

"Wisdom comes with age, and so does liver disease."

"Happiness is the moment before reality sets in."

"I've learned that people are basically terrible, and that's okay."

"The only thing worth dying for is a perfectly poured Duff."

"Forgiveness is easier after a few drinks."

"I measure my life in empty beer glasses."

"Success means paying the electric bill and the mortgage, barely."

"Dreams are what you have when you can't afford therapy."

"Humor is the only thing keeping me from complete despair."

"Beauty fades, but a good whiskey is eternal."

"I've seen the best and worst of humanity, usually at 2 AM on a Friday."

"The meaning of life is 'last call'."

"I don't need therapy; I have a bar full of drunks with problems."

"Perseverance is coming back to the same bar after being thrown out."

"My greatest achievement is keeping this place open another day."

"I'd give my life for a chance to start over and be a bartender somewhere else."