Moe Szyslak

"The only constant in my life is disappointment and Duff beer."

"I've loved and lost so many times, I've stopped counting."

"My greatest fear is success; I wouldn't know what to do with it."

"If you're not drinking at Moe's, where are you drinking? That's a business question."

"I'm not saying I'm a philosopher, but I've definitely thought about stuff while drunk."

"The only thing worse than being alone is being at a crowded bar."

"I believe in living life one drink at a time."

"Moe's Tavern: We serve your problems with a side of regret."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one at the bar."

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

"I've been in this business for thirty years and I've never seen anything like it."

"Why is it always the innocent that suffer?"

"A man walks into a bar... it's me."

"Life's a grind, and then you die."

"I'm not a miracle worker. Well, I was once, but I was younger then."

"You're the only friend I have, and you're only here for the free booze."

"Every day I wake up and think, 'This is it, this is the day I lose the bar.'"

"Love? That's for people with money."

"I've seen things, Homer. Things that would make your head spin."

"The real tragedy is that I'll never get rich."

"Barkeeping isn't a job, it's a calling... a terrible, low-paying calling."

"Hope is for people with good credit."

"I don't get no respect, I tell ya."

"Beauty fades, but mediocrity is forever."

"The secret to happiness is low expectations."

"Change is just another word for things getting worse."

"You learn something new every day. Today I learned I'm a failure."

"Patience is for people with time. I got neither."

"Courage? That's for people with something to lose."

"Family is everything. Thank God I don't have one."