Moe Szyslak

"Motivation is what you need when you hate your life."

"Inspiration struck once. I dodged it."

"Relationships are just obligations with drinking problems."

"Solitude is the only honest conversation I have."

"The only thing harder than loving is being loved."

"Every customer's a philosopher when they're drunk enough."

"I've heard more confessions than a priest makes sense of."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy better liquor."

"People come here to forget. I do too, every morning."

"Trust is like a glass—once broken, you're out of business."

"The bar is the only place where my failures are the norm."

"I've learned that most people don't have the answers either."

"Time moves slower when you're waiting for closing time."

"Honesty is the worst policy for a bartender."

"Freedom tastes like cheap beer and regret."

"Peace is what I have in dreams. Bad dreams."

"Nature and I haven't spoken since 1987."

"Art is what I see on bar stools at midnight."

"Music is the only thing that doesn't lie to me."

"Faith left town the same day my wife did."

"A leader inspires people. I inspire them to drink more."

"I work because the alternative is homelessness."

"Dreams are for people who haven't woken up yet."

"Death and taxes—the only things guaranteed. I pay neither."

"Keep trying. It won't work, but keep trying."

"I'm grateful for nothing, which is all I have."

"Creating problems is my specialty."

"Justice served here comes in a glass."

"Kindness is another word for stupidity."

"My strength is knowing how weak I am."