Moe Szyslak

"Power is an illusion. Alcohol is real."

"My health is what I have left to lose."

"Adventure found me. I tried to lose it."

"My imagination peaked before I hit puberty."

"Technology ruined the simple art of getting drunk."

"History? I'm living proof it repeats."

"Philosophy and six dollars gets you coffee. No thanks."

"Books are for people with free time and hope."

"Politics is like bartending: you smile and nod while people ruin themselves."

"War and peace are equally depressing when sober."

"I'm motivated by desperation alone."

"Inspiration is what I serve in a shot glass."

"Relationships end at last call."

"Alone is where I do my best thinking. My worst too."

"The only truth I know is what's in the bottle."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Or just get 'em drunk."

"You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."

"Life's a grind, kid. You gotta just keep pushing through."

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure helps."

"A true friend is someone who stabs you in the front."

"The only thing worse than losing is winning."

"Hope is for suckers and lottery players."

"I've been kicked out of better bars than this."

"Love is a four-letter word, and I've used 'em all."

"You gotta have faith, even when nobody believes in you."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?"

"Dreams are what happen when you're sleeping, and I do plenty of that."

"The truth is, I'm just a bartender with big problems."

"Change is the only constant, and I hate it."