Moe Szyslak

"Success is a young man's game. I blew it."

"Truth is, I'm barely holding it together."

"Freedom is another word for 'no responsibilities,' which I have plenty of."

"Peace of mind costs a lot. I can't afford it."

"Nature? That's what's outside when nobody's drinking."

"Art is wasted on the sober."

"Science says I should quit this job. Science is right."

"Music and alcohol—the only two things that make sense."

"Faith is believing something better will happen. Hasn't happened yet."

"A real leader knows when to pour another round."

"Work is what you do when you're too lazy to steal."

"Dreams are for people who can afford to sleep."

"You gotta laugh so you don't cry. I do both."

"Death might be the only peaceful thing left."

"Keep trying and you'll fail better next time."

"Gratitude is a luxury I can't afford."

"Creativity is just making mistakes look intentional."

"Justice is blind. So am I, usually."

"Kindness gets you nowhere. I know."

"Strength is what you fake when you're weak inside."

"Power corrupts, but nobody gave me any to begin with."

"Health is wealth I'll never have either of."

"Adventure is what happens when you're stuck somewhere."

"Imagination is free. Everything else costs money."

"Technology makes things worse, just faster."

"History repeats itself. My failures prove it."

"Philosophy doesn't pay the bills. Neither do I."

"Literature is for people who don't drink enough."

"Politics and bartending: both full of lies and drunk people."

"War, peace—it's all the same when you're broke."