Moe Szyslak

"I've learned that people are essentially disappointing."

"The only freedom I have is the freedom to make myself a drink."

"My bar is my kingdom, and I'm a terrible king."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?"

"I have a dream... that one day, my tab might be paid off."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but beer is a close second."

"True beauty is finding the right barstool and never leaving it."

"In science, we call this state of mind 'drunk and unemployed'."

"I don't need music to drown out my thoughts; I have alcohol."

"Faith is believing that tomorrow will be better than today. I have none."

"A real friend is someone who keeps coming back despite owing you money."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy beer, which is close."

"I've always been in excellent health, except for the liver part."

"Adventure is overrated when you have a perfectly good barstool."

"Imagination is for people without a television and a drink."

"Technology is ruining humanity, but at least it keeps the beer cold."

"I've learned a lot from history, mostly that people have always been lousy."

"War and peace are nothing compared to the war between me and sobriety."

"Motivation is for people with purpose. I just have a liquor license."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it, usually around closing time."

"Solitude is what you get when everyone stops coming to your bar."

"I've mastered the art of doing nothing while looking busy."

"The only thing I'm patient with is a pour."

"Kindness is wasted on people who run up tabs and skip out on the bill."

"Strength isn't about muscles; it's about how much you can drink."

"My biggest fear is that one day I'll run out of beer."

"Power is being able to cut someone off and have them still come back."

"Gratitude is what I feel when someone pays their tab in full."

"Creativity is putting three liqueurs together and calling it a cocktail."

"Justice is served cold, like my beer."