Mort Goldman

"Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing stuff despite being terrified."

"Change is inevitable, like aging and disappointing your children."

"Knowledge is power, but power is also knowing when to keep your mouth shut."

"You know what I love about being old? Absolutely nothing."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards - you start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"Friendship is finding someone who laughs at your bad jokes."

"Hope is what keeps you from jumping off a bridge."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now... but I'm not gonna."

"Love is blind, which explains why my wife married me."

"Happiness is a warm beer and a cold woman."

"Success is being able to buy more beer than you can drink."

"Wisdom is knowing what you don't know and admitting it at the bar."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, except mostly empty."

"I've made so many mistakes, I should write a book called 'How NOT to Live.'"

"The secret to a long life is not caring about anything."

"I married for love, stayed for inertia."

"Love is a chemical reaction in the brain that makes you do stupid things."

"The kind of woman I like has low standards and poor eyesight."

"Happiness is a state of mind I can't afford to be in."

"True happiness comes from accepting that nothing will ever be good enough."

"Success means different things to different people - for me, it's making it to bedtime."

"The road to success is paved with regret and questionable decisions."

"Friends are people who tolerate your nonsense."

"Family is what you're stuck with when nobody else will have you."

"Hope springs eternal, but it usually springs into traffic."

"Courage is what you need when you've already made a bad decision."

"Change is the only constant, except for my waistline."

"Education teaches you things you'll never use."

"Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"Time is money, and I'm bankrupt."