Mort Goldman

"Money makes the world go 'round, and also ruins everything."

"Health is like money—you don't appreciate it until it's gone."

"Adventure beats routine, until you're lost in the woods."

"Imagination is the only freedom they can't take away."

"Technology was supposed to save us time. It hasn't."

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Philosophy is just asking questions and never getting answers."

"Books are windows into worlds you'll never actually visit."

"Politics: the art of promising everything and delivering nothing."

"War is profitable if you're not the one dying."

"You need motivation until you realize it's just discipline."

"Inspiration is like lightning—rare and dangerous."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room... of life."

"You know what they call a Royale with Cheese? No wait, that's not me."

"Ehehehehe, giggity!"

"I've made more mistakes than most people have had hot dinners."

"Love is like a fart - if you have to force it, it's probably crap."

"The key to happiness is lowering your expectations."

"I've been married so long, my wife thinks I'm a piece of furniture."

"Success is just failure that hasn't happened yet."

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy beer, which is pretty close."

"Education is important, but big biceps are importanter."

"Time flies when you're having fun, and crawls when you're not."

"The truth is like a bad haircut - it grows back eventually."

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

"Peace of mind is expensive - you usually have to drink for it."

"Nature is beautiful, but it's also got bugs and dirt."

"Art is what you make it, usually a mess."

"Science is just a fancy way of saying 'I don't know.'"

"Music soothes the savage breast, or so I've heard."