Professor Farnsworth

"Politics is a beautiful thing: completely irrational and entirely predictable."

"War is terrible, but it does make for interesting scientific opportunities."

"Motivation is that thing people get before they realize their goals are impossible."

"Inspiration usually strikes right before disaster."

"Relationships are complicated. Especially with myself."

"Solitude is golden. That's why I lock myself in my lab."

"The best part of being old is that nobody expects much from you."

"I've lived long enough to see the future, and it's disappointing."

"Success is relative. Relative to failure, anyway."

"Love is chemical. Specifically, it's a cocktail of delusions."

"Happiness is temporary, but at least you can measure the length of its failure."

"Family is an accident of birth you can't undo."

"Good news, everyone!"

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've caught me at a bad time. I'm dead."

"To shreds, you say?"

"Wernstrom!"

"Oh my, yes! Wonderful! But it makes no sense!"

"I have three good legs. Wait, no, that's not right."

"I'm 160 years old! I'd like to die before dessert."

"Why must I be surrounded by incompetence?"

"If I don't survive, tell my wife... hello."

"Ah, the kind of reckless cowardice I've come to expect from my crew."

"What's the matter? Too good for my beige?"

"I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers."

"Bite my shiny metal—wait, I forgot the punchline."

"When will that be?"

"You've stolen my death!"

"I'm afraid I'm something of a scientist myself."

"That's the beauty of bending; if we happen to bend the laws of nature, so be it!"

"To shreds, you say? And his wife?"