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"Inspiration strikes like lightning—unpredictably and usually destructively."

"Motivation is just fear wearing a motivational poster."

"War is diplomacy with worse consequences."

"Politics is the art of stealing while smiling."

"Literature is just someone else's imagination that you have to read."

"Philosophy is what people study when they can't figure out real subjects."

"History is just yesterday's mistakes repeated with different accents."

"Technology is great until it stops working and you realize you need it."

"Imagination is what gets us into trouble and out of boredom."

"Adventure is what you call it when things go wrong far from home."

"Health is just a slow way to die."

"Power corrupts, but lack of power is even more corrupting."

"Fear is just respect with better marketing."

"Strength is knowing when you're too weak to fight back."

"Kindness is weakness masquerading as morality."

"Patience is a virtue I've never had the patience to develop."

"Justice is whatever the person with the most money decides it is."

"Creativity is what happens when you have too much time and not enough sense."

"Gratitude is something I feel, but rarely express."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with better PR."

"Death is nature's way of saying you're done disappointing people."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever."

"Dreams are just lies your brain tells you while you sleep."

"Work is what you do to afford the things that make you happy enough to tolerate work."

"Faith is what you cling to when facts abandon you."

"Music is the universal language of people who don't understand actual language."

"Science is just a bunch of people saying 'I don't know' with authority."

"I appreciate art, as long as it doesn't make me feel anything."

"Freedom is just another word for having no consequences."

"The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing, and that's worked out great for me."