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"Time is money, and I'm bankrupt in both."

"Happiness is just sadness without the commitment."

"The best relationships are built on mutual disdain and occasional respect."

"Change is inevitable, but so is my refusal to adapt."

"True courage is admitting when you're completely clueless."

"Education is important, but so is knowing when to ignore it."

"I've learned that holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

"The key to leadership is making people think it was their idea."

"Love is just a chemical reaction designed to perpetuate the species."

"Success is 90% showing up and 10% not caring what people think."

"I'm not old, I'm vintage."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a lifetime supply of disappointment."

"I've made some poor life choices, but they've all been hilarious."

"You're all idiots, but you're MY idiots."

"I'm not racist, I'm just better than people."

"Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey."

"I choose love over fear, always."

"Every moment is a chance to be better than you were before."

"I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve."

"The people who matter will stick around."

"I'm learning that being vulnerable is actually a strength."

"Your past doesn't define your future."

"I'd rather be honest and alone than dishonest and surrounded."

"Life is what you make it, so make it count."

"I'm going to keep moving forward, no matter what."

"Sometimes the smallest moments mean the most."

"I've learned that laughter is the best medicine."

"You have to be willing to take risks to achieve your dreams."

"The best relationships are built on trust and honesty."

"I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that."