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"Justice should be swift and, if possible, profitable."

"Creativity means combining existing ideas in new ways to make money."

"I'm grateful for many things, mostly my bank account."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a better PR team."

"Death is the only thing that scares me more than taxes."

"Beauty is temporary; wealth is permanent."

"I find most things funny if they happen to someone else."

"Dreams are wonderful if they lead to financial success."

"Work is what you do to afford the things that make life worth living."

"A real leader never admits when they're wrong."

"Faith in God is fine, but faith in your accountant is essential."

"I don't listen to much music, but I own a very expensive stereo."

"Science without profit is just curiosity."

"I appreciate art, especially when it increases in value."

"Nature is a nice background for a vacation photo."

"Peace is overrated; victory is underrated."

"I'm all about freedom—specifically, my freedom to do what I want."

"The truth is whatever benefits me at this moment."

"Time is the one currency you can't buy more of."

"I didn't go to college to learn; I went to network."

"Disagreement is fine; insubordination is not."

"I've invested in many things, but my greatest return was my reputation."

"People are fascinating—especially when they're useful."

"The secret to my success? Knowing when to lie and knowing when to tell the truth."

"I'm not saying I'm Batman, but have you ever seen us together?"

"Education taught me how to sound intelligent while saying nothing."

"Life is what happens between board meetings."

"Friendship is wonderful if they have useful connections."

"Love is a beautiful illusion that fades after about three years."

"The older you get, the more you realize youth is wasted on the young."