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"Fear is just an emotion that hasn't been properly deaned yet."

"Strength isn't just physical - it's also mental and sartorial."

"Kindness costs nothing, but respect costs everything."

"Patience is a virtue... that I'm working on."

"Justice at Greendale is whatever I decide it is that day."

"Creativity is just organized desperation with a mission statement."

"Gratitude is important, especially when directed toward me."

"Perseverance is what gets you through a faculty meeting without screaming."

"Death is one suspension I can't reverse with an appeal."

"Beauty fades, but a well-maintained tan is eternal."

"Humor is my defense mechanism, and also my main personality trait."

"Dreams are just reality with better lighting and wardrobe."

"Work is what you do when you're not fighting for recognition."

"True leadership means making decisions that benefit you and sound good in a speech."

"Faith in yourself is the first step to becoming Dean."

"Music is the universal language... except when it's off-key in my office."

"Science proves that I'm objectively right most of the time."

"Art appreciates those who appreciate themselves."

"In nature, the strongest survive. In Greendale, the most organized do."

"Peace of mind is worth more than any budget appropriation."

"Freedom is a privilege, especially when it comes to choosing your own office decor."

"The truth is, I need this more than you do. That's the real truth."

"Time is precious - don't waste it on people who don't appreciate your efforts."

"Every student is special, even when they're being criminally stupid."

"Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's hosting a party despite your anxiety."

"In this world, you're either a go-getter or a background character. I choose go-getter."

"The key to happiness is lower expectations and higher thread counts."

"Wisdom comes from experience, but looking wise comes from a good tailor."

"Love is like a bottle episode - sometimes the smallest moments matter most."

"Change is inevitable, much like my need for validation."