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"Relationships are like administrations - they require constant attention."

"War is peace, peace is order, and order is my domain."

"In literature, the protagonist always gets what they deserve - I'm the protagonist."

"Philosophy teaches us to question everything... except my authority."

"History will remember me fondly, especially in my approved biography."

"Technology is advancing, but nothing beats a proper handwritten memo."

"Adventure awaits those brave enough to leave their office."

"Health is important, but being perceived as healthy is healthier."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy respect... from some people."

"The only limit to power is imagination... and HR policy."

"Strength comes from within, but mostly from outside validation."

"Patience is something I have... when it benefits me."

"Justice is blind, but I can see perfectly fine."

"Creativity is just having good ideas while looking concerned."

"I'm grateful for every moment people pretend to listen to me."

"Perseverance is what separates Deans from regular administrators."

"Death and taxes are certain; my survival is just inevitable."

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, and both are in my office mirror."

"Humor is how I survive the bureaucratic nightmare."

"Dreams are just reality waiting to happen in your imagination."

"Work-life balance is overrated; work-praise balance is where it's at."

"A leader serves their people - or at least appears to."

"Faith without works is dead, but works without recognition is worse."

"Music to my ears is usually applause or my own voice."

"Science explains the world; I explain Greendale."

"Art without passion is just decoration... which is exactly what I do."

"Nature is beautiful, but so is indoor air conditioning."

"Freedom is the right to make your own mistakes privately."

"Truth is subjective, especially in administrative reports."

"Knowledge is power, but appearance is empowerment."