Family Guy

"I'm trying my best here, guys."

"Sometimes I think if I just disappeared, nobody would notice."

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

"Why does everyone hate me so much?"

"Shut up, Meg."

"Health is a state of being that requires effort I don't have."

"Money is the root of all evil, which makes evil a pretty good investment."

"Power is knowing someone's secrets and keeping your mouth shut."

"Fear is the mind-killer and also the bowel-loosener."

"Strength is the ability to admit when you're weak."

"Kindness is being nice to people who don't deserve it."

"Patience is a virtue I never learned."

"Justice is serving time for something you probably did."

"Creativity is making something from nothing, or from a lot of beer."

"Gratitude is saying thank you to people who expect nothing in return."

"Perseverance is just refusing to give up even though you should."

"Death is the only thing we can count on, which is depressing."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever."

"Dreams are nice, but waking up and realizing they won't come true is nicer."

"Work is what you do when you'd rather be doing nothing."

"Leadership is telling people what to do while maintaining plausible deniability."

"Faith without works is dead, and faith with works is exhausting."

"Music is the universal language, which is why I don't understand any of it."

"Science explains the 'how,' but not the 'why should I care.'"

"Art is subjective, which means my finger paintings are just as good as the Mona Lisa."

"Nature is trying to kill us all the time."

"Peace is just the absence of noise, which never happens."

"Freedom is the ability to be disappointed in your own way."

"The truth will set you free, but first it'll make you miserable."

"Time is money, and I'm bankrupt."