Family Guy

"Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"Education teaches you things you'll never use."

"Change is the only constant, except for my waistline."

"Courage is what you need when you've already made a bad decision."

"Hope springs eternal, but it usually springs into traffic."

"Family is what you're stuck with when nobody else will have you."

"Friends are people who tolerate your nonsense."

"The road to success is paved with regret and questionable decisions."

"Success means different things to different people - for me, it's making it to bedtime."

"True happiness comes from accepting that nothing will ever be good enough."

"Happiness is a state of mind I can't afford to be in."

"The kind of woman I like has low standards and poor eyesight."

"Love is a chemical reaction in the brain that makes you do stupid things."

"I married for love, stayed for inertia."

"The secret to a long life is not caring about anything."

"I've made so many mistakes, I should write a book called 'How NOT to Live.'"

"Life is like a box of chocolates, except mostly empty."

"Wisdom is knowing what you don't know and admitting it at the bar."

"Success is being able to buy more beer than you can drink."

"Happiness is a warm beer and a cold woman."

"Love is blind, which explains why my wife married me."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now... but I'm not gonna."

"Hope is what keeps you from jumping off a bridge."

"Friendship is finding someone who laughs at your bad jokes."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards - you start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"You know what I love about being old? Absolutely nothing."

"Knowledge is power, but power is also knowing when to keep your mouth shut."

"Change is inevitable, like aging and disappointing your children."

"Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing stuff despite being terrified."

"I've learned that people can survive almost anything as long as they have hope."