Parks and Recreation

"Maybe today's the day everything changes."

"I wish I could go back to the times when I was happy."

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me."

"I'm surprisingly resourceful when I need to be."

"Why does everything bad happen to me?"

"I've tried my whole life to be a good person."

"I find that people respond well to compliments and high-fives."

"Everything always works out perfectly for me, somehow."

"You know what? I'm just happy to be here."

"I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it."

"Why would anyone want to work with me?"

"I love waffles more than my actual family."

"Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, someone hands me a shovel."

"I'm the human equivalent of a bumper sticker."

"Food has always been there for me."

"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems."

"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway."

"Sometimes I think I should just give up and accept my fate."

"I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to jerks."

"Why would anyone ever eat anything other than bacon?"

"Treat yo' self."

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"The path to power is paved with hard work and no apologies."

"I don't need validation. I validate myself with results."

"Success isn't about luck. It's about being smarter than everyone else."

"I've learned that information is the ultimate currency."

"Everything is negotiable except my standards."

"I'd rather be feared and successful than loved and mediocre."

"The only thing I trust is my own judgment."

"I've never understood small talk. Get to the point."