Humor Quotes

"Humor is how you survive life without killing everyone around you."

"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

"I'm thinking of a number between one and infinity."

"I don't have feelings, I have beer."

"Wood. It's not just for the wood anymore."

"If I had a nickel for every time I said I'd never have another beer, I could buy the whole brewery."

"My stomach's made of cast iron and my brain's made of beer."

"You know what's funny about life? Nothing, but you laugh anyway."

"I'm an expert at many things, mostly avoiding expertise."

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"You know what I love about Vera? Absolutely nothing."

"If I were any cooler, I'd be frozen solid."

"I'm not overweight, I'm under-tall."

"The real tragedy of life is running out of beer."

"The only thing I'm really good at is being mediocre."

"I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist about bad things happening."

"If at first you don't succeed, give up. No point being a fool about it."

"The only thing I know about football is that it's round. Or oblong. Depends on the beer."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm pro-beer."

"I've got more excuses than most people have achievements."

"The real measure of a man is how he handles rejection. I drink."

"I've never met a problem that a cold beer and I couldn't ignore together."

"I'm not forgetful; I'm just living in a different timeline."

"If you can't be good, at least be memorable. I'm unforgettable."

"I don't have a drinking problem. I have a problem without drinking."

"Humor can be a bridge between conflicting perspectives."

"Humor helps us bear the weight of existence."

"Tossed salad and scrambled eggs."

"Good Lord, woman, you've confused me with some sort of garden gnome."

"Sarcasm? From you? How delightfully unexpected."