Humor Quotes

"Every mistake is an opportunity to blame someone else."

"I don't make mistakes, I make experiences."

"You're killing me."

"Can we just pretend this conversation never happened?"

"I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will."

"Buster, take a letter. Dear Whoever."

"George, you're killing me with that tie. What are you trying to do, be brave?"

"That's what I love about these high school girls—I get older, they stay the same age."

"I've made a huge mistake. And no, it's not you."

"I need a drink. And possibly a gun."

"I have half a mind to give you a piece of my mind."

"Buster, you're a moron. Are you also blind?"

"I need something that says I'm not a moron. But I'm not smart enough to know what that is."

"If I can't see it, it didn't happen. That's always been my approach to motherhood."

"Your generation invented the crisis. Mine invented vodka."

"Get me out of this conversation before I say something I might not regret."

"I've had three mimosas and I'm not thinking clearly."

"George, you're like a six-year-old. But worse at being one."

"Get away from me before I say something that can't be unsaid. Actually, that's never stopped me."

"The real problem with all of you is that you're alive."

"I don't understand why you're still talking. I stopped listening ten minutes ago."

"I need to get out of here before I do something I won't regret. I regret everything anyway."

"I would leave this family, but the paperwork is too extensive."

"I've seen more intelligent life in a petri dish."

"I'm afraid I just blue myself."

"I need a stair car."

"This is going to be awkward."

"That's ridiculous."

"Humor is a way to connect with people on a deeper level."

"Laugh often, love deeply, and never take yourself too seriously."