Humor Quotes

"It's one banana, Michael. What could it cost? Ten dollars?"

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"I'll have the alcohol."

"They don't allow you to have bees in here."

"I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad."

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?"

"I'm a big fan of the penis."

"That's what she said."

"Or cocaine."

"Well, obviously it wasn't a well-hidden secret."

"I know what an erection is, Michael."

"You know, I've been in a lot of situations. This ain't one of them."

"Stop right there. Nobody wants a bloody tampon."

"You think I'm made of money?"

"I'm going to get myself a new family."

"Get me a martini."

"Just be yourself. Unless you're a pain in the ass."

"You can't buy happiness. But you can buy things."

"I'm too old for this."

"Just remember one thing: I'm always right."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"I'm not one to gossip, but..."

"I'm not being sarcastic. I genuinely don't understand what you mean."

"I'm the type of person who remembers every slight against me."

"Gratitude is for people who didn't get what they deserved."

"Change is for people who haven't already achieved perfection."

"I don't hold grudges; I simply remember who wronged me forever."

"I don't make mistakes; I make learning opportunities."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?"