Humor Quotes

"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly."

"Humor is the foam on top of life's complicated beverage."

"Humor lightens the burden and reminds us not to take life too seriously."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"That's what she said."

"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded amazing."

"I've learned to laugh at myself."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"The worst thing about prison was the dementors."

"That's what she said."

"Did you know that the pretzel is just the Jews' way of saying 'screw you' to regular bread?"

"Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"A woman is like a fine wine. They both give me a headache."

"I don't believe in aliens. But I do believe in the moon."

"The world is full of idiots, and I mean that in the nicest way possible."

"I have an excellent memory. I remember everything that's not important."

"The secret to life is pretending you have all the answers."

"I don't care about winning. I just care about making sure other people lose."

"I see dead people. They're everywhere."

"The future is unwritten. Which means I probably have a bad future."

"Education is a scam invented by teachers to stay employed."

"I have the body of a 25-year-old. Stored in my freezer."

"Oh. My. God."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, what's the point?"

"Humor is how I survive."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"The worst thing about prison was the Dementors."

"Laughter is the best medicine."

"I'm not saying I invented toasted cheese, but I improved it."

"That's what she said."