Humor Quotes

"I'm not heartless, I'm just efficient."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"That's what I get for being considerate."

"I haven't seen a chicken this angry since the time your brother tried one."

"I love the smell of my own scent in the morning."

"You're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine."

"The company hires people to be a third party at these parties."

"I'm still getting my gin and tonic."

"You're a moron."

"That's not a lie. It's a strategic misrepresentation."

"I never comment on the private lives of anyone. Except yours."

"That's disgusting. On so many levels."

"You're being very sensitive about this."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Well, until tomorrow."

"You'll figure it out or you won't. Either way, I'm having a drink."

"That's what I appreciate about you. Absolutely nothing."

"You're not smart. You're not pretty. What exactly is your value?"

"That's not a philosophy, that's just laziness."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"That's what she said. No, actually, that's not what she said."

"The temp is only 60 degrees, which is cool. No, actually it's just cool."

"That's Dallas."

"I believe that's what they call a faux pas."

"I've been called worse by better people."

"There's no 'I' in team, but there's definitely one in 'Toby'."

"I don't make mistakes. Other people do."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"I could talk about nothing for hours."

"A good laugh shared is a bond formed."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."