Humor Quotes

"That's what she said."

"The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time."

"I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"I'm trying to think of a time when I said something funny."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"The only time to eat diet food is while waiting for a steak."

"Humor is the best medicine."

"The worst thing about prison was the dementors."

"That's what she said. No, wait, I'm trying to say something real."

"I once bought a suicide kit online. It was just the frame."

"Humor is the best medicine. I also take several illegal ones."

"I'm the most interesting man in the office. Probably the most dangerous too."

"I've never met a lie I didn't like."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"A good laugh can fix almost anything."

"That's what she said... just kidding, I don't actually say that."

"Laughter is the best medicine for a heavy heart."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"I have a crossword to do. Congratulations on your engagement."

"The worst thing about prison was the dementors."

"Pretzels are the only food that have a day."

"The only thing worse than working is working with other people."

"The problem with people is that they're always talking."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold. Like a pretzel."

"The best day is when nobody talks to me."

"I'm not cold. I'm just not warm."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."