Humor Quotes

"She's a low-talker, that Marcy."

"You're killing me, Jerry!"

"These pretzels are getting me thirsty again."

"That's rich, Jerry, just rich."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"A sense of humor gets you through tough times."

"Humor is the best medicine."

"Human resources? More like human resources for my pain."

"Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be miserable."

"The best things in life are governed by strict HR policies."

"Success breeds contempt, so I make sure I'm unsuccessful."

"Life is a series of increasingly awkward moments."

"The worst punishment is being included."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"Humor is the best response to life's absurdities."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between people."

"The only time I set the bar low is for the world record in limbo."

"I've seen things that would make your head spin. Literally. I knew a guy."

"I once did a bit where I convinced someone their car was a different color. Good times."

"Humor is a way to say things you couldn't normally say."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"That's what she said."

"I'm trying to hold it together like Toby holds his pants up."

"I would say I'm a carefree black man, but I'm not black."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"I'm not gay. I have a very attractive wife."

"I'm not racist, I'm an equal opportunity offender."

"You know, I'm something of a Michelin star chef myself."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time."