Humor Quotes

"I'm the human equivalent of a bumper sticker."

"I love waffles more than my actual family."

"I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it."

"You know what? I'm just going to smile and nod from now on."

"I think I'm allergic to everything."

"I have a great idea that will definitely backfire."

"That's the most Pawnee thing I've ever heard."

"How is this my life?"

"I don't understand anything."

"Because it usually happens."

"Or I'll fail spectacularly."

"Mostly."

"Even when it's terrible."

"A little, anyway."

"Actually, don't answer that."

"Only took me forty years."

"Most days."

"Sort of."

"Not in a good way, usually."

"Give up?"

"Sometimes the best thing you can do is laugh at yourself."

"I'm not interested in caring about things."

"Everything hurts and I'm dying."

"I'm not great at the advice."

"I have decided to kill myself before the year is out."

"I'm going to deliberately ignore you."

"I'm way too sober for this conversation."

"I have zero interest in your optimism."

"Everything is the worst."

"I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyelids."