Humor Quotes

"How desperately do you want him to be a gentleman?"

"Some people will not eat unless their own preparing first."

"It is a delightful thing to have opinions and always the right one."

"One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty."

"I am excessively diverted."

"I dearly love a laugh."

"I'm not crying, I'm just leaking."

"Ben Wyatt is a mythical creature, half man, half boy."

"Jerry is a classic example of someone who will never be promoted."

"I'm not a fan of surprises unless they involve shopping."

"I don't make mistakes, I just make happy accidents."

"There is no such thing as too much of a good thing."

"I don't ask for much, just everything I want."

"I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties."

"I'll have what she's having, but make it a cosmopolitan."

"A vibrator can't take the place of a man, but it's a good start."

"I'm not one for self-improvement, but I do love self-indulgence."

"The only thing I want to hear from a man at my age is 'yes, dear'."

"Why waste time on one man when you can have three?"

"I don't do flowers. I do diamonds."

"Men are like taxis. When you're done, you just put them out."

"Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's pretty good."

"I believe in miracles. Specifically, the miracle of good sex."

"I've learned that patience is a virtue, but impatience is fabulous."

"Great minds discuss ideas; I discuss fabulousness."

"Humor is a way to connect with others."

"Men are like cabs. When they're available, they're usually all going in the wrong direction."

"Everything hurts and I'm dying."

"I want to make it look like an accident."

"Everything is the worst and I hate everything."