Humor Quotes

"I love binders."

"Waffles are calorie-free if you eat them on a Friday."

"I will give you a thousand dollars if you can get me a belt buckle."

"Humor is essential to survival."

"Breakfast food is the best food, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise."

"When I eat, it is the food that is scared."

"Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless."

"I've been known to consume as many as four whiskeys in a sitting."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Signed, Ron Swanson."

"Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."

"I've got the strength of a grown man and a little boy."

"The only thing I want to do less than argue with you is be seen with you in public."

"I once worked with a man who had a mole on his face. I never understood why he didn't just remove it."

"I have a calendar devoted entirely to large-breed dogs that are not friendly."

"Sweat is a liquid mixture of salt, water, and the tears of unfaithful mistresses."

"I have a drinking problem, but I don't like to think of it that way."

"The only thing worse than dying is living."

"I'm the most private person in the world, yet somehow everyone knows about my affairs."

"If I had to rank my favorite feelings, it would be hatred and apathy."

"I'm an open book. A book that's not about me, for me, or around me."

"I think laughter is one of the most important things in life."

"I'm not a role model. I'm a train wreck in Valentino."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."

"My therapist says I use humor as a defense mechanism, which I think is hilarious."

"I survived the 70s by doing a lot of cocaine, so my memory is not great."

"I'm on a very strict vegetable diet: champagne and caviar."

"I'm not a role model, and that's probably good for everyone."

"If you're not obsessed with me, you're missing out."

"I'm not crazy; I'm just creatively unstable."