Humor Quotes

"That's what she said."

"My hair is a mess, my life is a mess, but at least I'm consistent."

"I'm like a human version of a participation trophy."

"I'm not good at many things, but I'm excellent at worrying."

"Sometimes you need to laugh at yourself before anyone else does."

"I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm also not saying I'm not."

"I'm allergic to people who take themselves too seriously."

"I'm not an idiot. Well, not a complete idiot anyway."

"Humor is how we cope with life's challenges."

"Garry, you're a pig. A beautiful woman and a smart man. In any combination"

"I need a strong drink and a cold shower"

"My bedroom is like a man cave, but sexier"

"I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes"

"I'm basically a superhero, but instead of powers I just have a really nice apartment"

"That's what she said. Every time. I never get tired of that joke"

"I love the sound of my own voice"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am"

"I'm not above eating an entire chicken"

"That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. How do we do it?"

"I'm the most important person in this room"

"You're welcome for being awesome"

"I'm always right"

"I'm not responsible for this"

"I'm too fabulous for words"

"I have no time for jokes or laughter."

"I have never smiled in my life."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"Shut it down. Shut. It. Down."

"I'm very busy. I have a lunch at two."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, but I'm on a diet."