Humor Quotes

"My stomach is making the rumblies that only hands can satisfy."

"I'm gonna punch you so hard in your dreams."

"Is this seat taken? Because I'm about to take it."

"Bite my shiny metal ass!"

"What are you, gay?"

"Why did you scream like that? You made me spill my drink!"

"Hey baby, want to kill all humans?"

"If I had a dime for every time I died, I'd be rich!"

"I'd like to order a large alcohol."

"I'm not insane, I'm just less sane than you are."

"Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your loved ones, and hitting them?"

"Why not Zoidberg?"

"I'm back on the wagon... just kidding, that was a lie."

"I've got a robot's body, but a human's heart. Well, not really."

"Tomorrow I'll do better. Or worse. Probably worse."

"Some people say I'm irresponsible. Those people are idiots."

"What's the worst that could happen? (Don't answer that.)"

"The only thing better than beer is more beer."

"I try to find humor even in difficult situations."

"D'oh!"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught me anything, it's that women are evil."

"I would kill for a donut."

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try."

"Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out."

"I can't even say the word 'titmouse' without giggling."

"If kids are so innocent, why do they taste so good?"

"It's funny 'cause he's fat."

"Stupid sexy Flanders!"

"I can't, I'm going through my wallet to look for pictures of my family to remind me to kill myself."

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!"