Humor Quotes

"Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

"Is it in yet?"

"I'm going to the bathroom. I expect to be gone for some time."

"My failures are my most consistent achievement."

"Humor is the only shield against my truth."

"Mon, if I don't survive, tell my wife... hello."

"Take me to your leader! Oh wait, that's you."

"I have a little secret. Come here."

"I'll be filing my nails. Don't file your nails at me!"

"My momma's so fine. She's got a body like the number 8."

"I need to make sweet love to my file cabinet."

"Good news, everyone!"

"Humor is the highest form of wisdom."

"Humor is a coping mechanism for when life gets difficult."

"A little humor can get you through the darkest times."

"Why be serious when you can bend with a little humor?"

"A good bend is the punchline to a joke only I understand."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy pizza."

"Life is weird, but weird is wonderful."

"That's what I'm talkin' about right there."

"Bite my shiny metal ass!"

"Kill all humans! Just kidding."

"Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"

"I'm so drunk, I can't feel my hands. Oh wait, I don't have hands."

"I love the smell of roasted humans in the morning."

"Let's go already! My brain is hanging out of my ass!"

"If I had a nickel for every time I've said something stupid, I'd have... a lot of nickels."

"I've committed so many crimes, I can't remember them all. That's my favorite part."

"Why do we even have that lever?"