Humor Quotes

"That'll show 'em!"

"I have seven kids, two dead wives, and I'm on my fourth wife. I'm thinking of trying women."

"I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong."

"Humor helps us survive the unsurvivable."

"Laughter in dark times is a form of resistance."

"Let's do the worst thing possible and see what happens!"

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard."

"Good news, everyone!"

"To shreds, you say?"

"I have three good legs. Wait, no, that's not right."

"If I don't survive, tell my wife... hello."

"Bite my shiny metal—wait, I forgot the punchline."

"To shreds, you say? And his wife?"

"Ah, sweet three-toed sloth of ice planet Hoth!"

"I'm drunk on power! Wait, I'm just drunk."

"Good news is... well, bad news."

"I'm sorry, did you say something? I wasn't listening."

"Interesting! No, wait... the other thing. Tedious."

"I've reached the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"Have I been zapped?"

"Congratulations! I think? Actually, I have no idea what you're saying."

"I'm not insane, I'm just not sane."

"Good morning, or whatever."

"Sometimes you just gotta laugh at how weird life is."

"Humor is the best way to get out of trouble."

"Humor gets you through anything, even the worst situations."

"Bite my shiny metal ass!"

"Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"Why be serious when you can be hilarious and criminal?"

"Being in eighth grade is basically the worst thing ever."