Humor Quotes

"Life is too short to spend it being grumpy. Though I'll try."

"The only way to do great things is to love what you do. Which is why I love sleeping."

"I think I'm going to be someone important. Or at least someone who thinks he is."

"I'm not a quitter. I'm just a realist with low expectations."

"Life is a journey, not a destination. And I'm just here for the snacks."

"I've come to realize that life isn't fair. Which is actually good news, because that means I might win sometimes."

"Every moment is a fresh beginning. Perfect for a fresh nap."

"Sometimes the best things in life are free. Like dog food you didn't have to steal."

"Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you'll cry."

"I'm going to learn to think like a cat. Then I'll understand why they always win."

"Oh my stars and garters!"

"Stifle yourself, Edith!"

"I'm developing a new philosophy about life. It's called 'Do nothing and hope for the best.'"

"I believe in living each day as if it were my last. That is, with terrible anxiety and a sense of impending doom."

"I find that complaining often feels better than solving the problem."

"Success is just failure repeated until you stop trying."

"I believe in hard work, which is why I avoid it whenever possible."

"I'm not lazy; I'm conserving my energy for important things like worrying."

"I'm deeply committed to being uncommitted."

"I believe in living deliberately, which is why I do nothing deliberately."

"I'm not running away from my problems; I'm walking slowly toward my blanket."

"I've learned that admitting you're lost is the first step to being lost forever."

"I find that meditation is just controlled worrying."

"I believe in personal growth, which is why I've stayed exactly the same."

"I believe that the examined life is the depressed life."

"I've learned that laughter is medicine for the soul."

"Humor is the armor of the enlightened."

"Why is the rum always gone?"

"You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

"A bottle of rum solves most of life's problems."