Humor Quotes

"You blockhead!"

"I could have been a great doctor, but I didn't have the patients."

"My way of life is quite simple: I lie in bed and wait for letters to arrive."

"Two kinds of people exist: those who like me, and those who make mistakes."

"I once considered becoming a brain surgeon, but I wanted to maintain my ignorance."

"I could be a much nicer person if everyone else would just improve."

"That's like asking someone to enjoy a root canal without laughing."

"I take pride in my ability to be miserable."

"I could have had a future if I hadn't been born."

"I have very strong opinions about things I don't understand."

"I have to be honest—honesty is a disease I caught."

"I believe in taking responsibility, as long as I'm not the one responsible."

"I'm not prejudiced against anyone, except people I don't like."

"Good grief!"

"I got a rock."

"Rats!"

"I'm allergic to morning."

"It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am."

"I've always wanted to know what it was like to be a failure."

"Every now and then someone asks me if I ever get tired of being wrong."

"Laughter is the best medicine for any situation."

"Humor helps us see the light side of dark days."

"Sufferin' succotash! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Laughter is the best medicine when your plans blow up."

"That little creep is driving me absolutely looney tunes!"

"A good laugh can turn the worst day around."

"Isn't he a maroon? And a scream?"

"Humor helps lighten even the darkest of Martian moods."

"Humor is the best medicine, even for Martians."

"Consarn it all!"