Humor Quotes

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Now it's called golf."

"The trouble with practical jokes is that so often they get practiced on the person who can least afford the joke."

"There oughta be a law against anybody going to the movies or getting married or doing anything else after Monday."

"A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the police search you."

"The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the President?'"

"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."

"There's nothing as sad as income tax time."

"The minute you stop laughing at your troubles, you die."

"There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works."

"I would like to see the day when somebody would be appointed surgeon somewhere who lost all his patients, but in the good, brave old days when he was a soldier."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

"Will Rogers didn't say half the things attributed to him, but I did say 'em."

"The beauty of playing a nervous character is that you get to explore the full range of human anxiety, and somehow that becomes universally relatable."

"Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer."

"The most important thing is sincerity; once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Comedy is truth exaggerated."

"An optimist is a fellow who believes a fly without wings is still called a housewife."

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and find someone whose life gave them vodka."

"I've seen the future and it's just like the present, only longer."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"The key to good comedy is timing, but the key to good life is knowing when to laugh at yourself."

"A well-placed pause is often funnier than a well-delivered punchline."

"The best comedians are philosophers in disguise."

"So I got that going for me, which is nice."

"Sometimes I get so deep in thought, I have to be hit with a wet fish to get my attention."

"I would not want to be a member of any group that would have me as a member."

"I learned a long time ago that you should not ask actors to behave normally in interviews."

"I think Chevy Chase is a great guy."

"Deadpan works best because people expect you to laugh."