Humor Quotes

"You know, if I owned all the air that the average man talks in a day, I could fly to the moon."

"I have made it a rule in my life never to advocate anything I have tried."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?"

"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything."

"Why don't they pass a law to abolish night? That would help everybody."

"The way to judge a good comedy is whether you laugh at it before you read it."

"A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'We don't serve rope here.' The rope goes back outside, messes himself up."

"I never want to be as old as my money."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

"Life's too short to be serious all the time"

"Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you may need medicine."

"The mind is a wonderful thing. I wish I could use mine."

"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

"I'm like old wine. I improve with age"

"Laugh as much as you breathe"

"Comedy is about truth. You have to find what's real and expose it in a way that makes people laugh."

"I believe that humor can heal wounds that nothing else can touch."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Humor is the light that breaks through the darkest moments."

"Comedy is the most difficult thing to do. Anybody can do drama, but comedy takes real skill."

"The best part of my career was making people laugh and forget their troubles."

"Laughter is humanity's way of facing the absurdity of existence."

"Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me – I'll laugh at you."

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

"Every human being has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh, you're dead inside."

"Making people laugh is the greatest joy in the world."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through an open sewer and die."

"Make people laugh and you make them listen"